


i'm not enough and i'm sorry

by lesbianchiyo



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Binging, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eventual Romance, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV Third Person, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Starvation, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25293532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianchiyo/pseuds/lesbianchiyo
Summary: In the beginning, it wasn't about losing weight. It was just about being in control.
Relationships: Abe Takaya/Mihashi Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	i'm not enough and i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lesbianchiyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianchiyo/gifts).



* * *

When it started, it wasn’t about losing weight. Ren had never cared much about his looks…his weight, but there was some sort of nagging feeling that came with growing up—almost like the world wanted him to care.

Ren knew he wasn’t the type of boy girls _wanted_ , he knew that, and he hadn’t cared. He cared about baseball…but the nagging feeling that came with growing up made him realize baseball was the girl who didn’t _want_ a boy like him.

_Baseball didn’t want him…his team didn’t want him._

It started as a coping mechanism; it was something he had control over. He could control what he ate, when he ate. And he didn’t want to eat anything.

He had started losing his appetite when he thought about baseball…and so he started skipping lunch. The lunchbox he would bring to school every day stayed in his desk. At first it had been painful; his stomach had hurt—his stomach was so empty it felt like it was eating itself. But when practice came around, the door that loomed over him was scary…it scared him, but it was so much easier to control the fears, the thoughts when his stomach was so empty nothing could make him sick.

Hatake couldn’t get to him when his stomach was empty—because when his stomach was empty, _he felt good_.

When his stomach was full the words seemed to get trapped inside of him, and then the dusty corner of his brain would turn on—at first it was nothing but a flicker of light and then it would grow brighter and brighter until all Ren could think of were the thoughts…the thoughts… the words that carried _weight_.

It was at those moments that Ren could pick out every small detail _he hated_ ; he could pick out every small detail _people hated_ about him.

It was at these moments that Ren fell down the pit of _worthlessness_.


End file.
